Sidewalk Social Scientist


BAD CANADIAN

I am going to admit that I don’t like hockey. Perhaps, it stems back to my childhood and having my television watching preempted so that somebody could watch hockey. This used to annoy the shit out of me as a kid and I guess I never got over it.

Currently, Vancouver, the gorgeous place I live, is in the finals to win Lord Stanley’s Cup, the highest honor in NHL hockey (don’t pretend you didn’t already know that).  Now, as much as I am not into hockey, I am all about Vancouver winning. Every time they win a game, or actually score a goal, the whole city erupts into this crazy wave of noise. What’s not to love?

Let’s talk about how grown men act around this sport.  I have seen men who I’ve never seen express any emotion ever near tears when their team loses. In some cases these men are divorced and weekend dads. I wonder if they had been able to express some of this emotion during the time they had functioning families if they’d still have them? Instead of getting weepy at a penalty why not hug your kid? Tell your wife you love her? Oh right, its too late for that. At least you have your fantasy league.

And then there are the jerseys. These things are just ugly. Let’s face it. I have seen some great T-shirts with the hockey team logos on them and they’re pretty cool. They even do the vintage looking ones, which look great. But, if you are a grown man wearing a big poly-whatever hockey smock with another man’s name on the back, this homo has to tell you that you look pretty damned gay. What are you doing? Announcing to the world that you’re some other man’s boyfriend?

I’m totally aware that I’m the one with the problem. Most Canadians have a truly genuine love for the sport and its players. I am probably scarred by my childhood slights and am holding a grudge that has maybe gone on too long. But, I ain’t letting go.  But, I am aware that I am in the very tiny minority and I’ll say it again: I’m the one with the problem. I’m just speaking out for all the other hockey non-lovers (I can’t say I’m a hater, I just can’t).

There are also many gays and ladies who, I’m convinced, watch hockey for the sole reason that they it makes them more attractive. In the case of the gays, maybe they like the good-looking dudes and the violence. I’ve known my fair share of fellas who think that Ultimate fighting is sexy too and, well, I guess that’s their problem. I’m not too into violence as a character trait in the dudes I think are the sex.  With the ladies, I have a sneaking suspicion that they’d be watching The Real Housewives but they read in Cosmo or some other bullshit place that they could land a man by watching a sport. So they don those ugly hockey schmattes and head to the nearest sports bar. That’s what a lady gets for following the advice from Cosmo or wherever.  I’m not saying all fans are like this but I do think there is an element of hockey fandom that fall into these previous categories.  Did I mention that I’m the one with the problem?

I did however go out to a bar and enjoyed some delicious microbrews (or whatever fancy beers are called) and watched the game with some friends. This aspect of things I could get into. It was a fun time but the only problem was that our team didn’t win. I so wanted to be part of the cheering throngs I constantly hear whenever our team scores and this didn’t happen. The funny thing is, I’m doing it again tonight. 

Go Canucks?